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( This is meant to be inoffensive. Just something light-hearted. My main site is very serious, this is not.)
Know a good religious joke that won't distress religious visitors ? I'd be happy to hear it : Email me
The Pope's secretary rushes in , uncharacteristicly flustered :
" Your Holiness; GOD IS ON THE PHONE "
Pope answers phone, sure enough , it is God
" This is so wonderful, I've never dreamt it would happen to me " says Pope.
God : " I have good news and bad news, which do you want first ? "
Pope : " Good news, please "
God : " I've decided to come to Earth and set up my Kingdom HERE and NOW "
"I'm going to unify all the Earth's peoples
Get rid of all these other religons and have just the one true Church with My Son to rule over the entire land as the King
There will be no hunger, no pain, no war, just pure joy "
The Pope gets down on his knees and weeps tears of happiness
He then calms himself :
Pope : " That is GREAT NEWS , we have waited so long "
Pope : " How could there be ANY BAD news after that ? "
God : " I am calling from SALT LAKE CITY ! "
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply
to serve as a warning to others!
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same
time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the
bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the
longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you
may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp,
some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are
different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the
scenery on a detour.
He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
Some even doubt he wrote it Himself.
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
Some say he had His Son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
(1) A priest, minister and rabbi were walking by the forest, talking about who does their job the best. The minister had an idea. "Let's go into the forest, find a bear, and convert him. Whosever bear is strongest in faith will win."
So they each set off into the woods. later, they met up.
The priest said " I found a bear next to the river trying to catch fish. I told him that if he trusted in God, anything's possible. So I stepped in the river, prayed, and caught a fish. he was so amazed he let me baptize him instantly. "
The minister said "Well, my bear snuck up on me and tried to eat me. But I said a few lines from the Bible and the bear became intrigued and asked to learn how to read. I taught him a few basics and he had the entire new testament memorised."
Then they both turned to the Rabbi. He was in a full body cast, an artificial heart and was in a wheelchair. He said " Maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision "
A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street.
In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so.
She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
(2) A priest, a preacher and a rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.
On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
An enthusiastic young Methodist minister was posted to a small town where there was both a Catholic church and a Jewish synogogue.
The Catholic priest and the Jewish rabbi welcomed the young minister warmly and offered any assistance he might need in his new charge.
Then they invited him to go fishing with them.
As they were sitting in the boat about fifty yards from shore, the priest said he was thirsty. But they had left the cooler on the dock.
The Rabbi said, "I'll get it." With that he stepped out of the left side of the boat, walked to the dock, and returned with the cooler.
Later the rabbi hooked a large trout, but the net had been left on the dock also. So the priest stepped out of the left side of the boat, walked to the dock, and returned with the net.
By this time the young minister was a little red in the face. Then the old priest said that he had left his
knife on the dock and he couldn't get the hook out of the fish's mouth. The young minister stood up and said, "I'll get it!" With that, he stepped out the right side of the boat an prompted sank to his eyebrows.
The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "Well Father, if we're gonna' help this boy, we should start by showing him where the steppin' stones are."
Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work ?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!
Dear Abby :
" Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here ? "
" Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify, please ? "